Cats and Dogs

Lyrics

Welcome to Lud's-town

I'm your radiant queen

Yes I am a stepmother

But please don't think I'm mean

I've never spanked my child

I've never spat or had bad dreams

And though I often think of murder

I don't kill human beings

I only kill cats and dogs

I only kill cats and dogs

See that Siamese, let's burn its ears and break its knees

And put it in a boiling pot

I only kill cats and dogs

I sizzle them over logs

There's a game I like to play involving knives and my Shar-pei

That I really like a lot

Please don't get me wrong

I haven't always played this part

I used to be quite normal

Cheery, formal, very smart

Till the day I met my husband

I was shopping with a cart

I accidentally struck a dachshund

And that hardened my poor heart

I only kill cats and dogs

I only kill cats and dogs

See that little Persian, boy have I got an aversion

To the stinking feline race

I only kill cats and dogs

I drown them in lakes and bogs

When I see a terrier I want to kick its derriere

And watch the pain spread o'er its face

I know that you've just eaten

Please don't think me rude

I'll be finished shortly

And return you to your food

But if you feel uneasy,

Somewhat queasy, then you should

Have some of this fine brew I've made

It will make you feel so good

It only kills cats and dogs

It only kills cats and dogs

It can make a big Great Dane experience awful deadly pain

And it's really fun to watch

I only kill cats and dogs

I only kill cats and dogs

I can make a tasty strudel out of pieces of a poodle

I've a cozy pair of mittens fashioned from the pelts of kittens

Boy to I feel naughty when I see a little Scotty

Gee I hope I don't get caught

Because I only kill cats and dogs!